Wednesday words. The beginning of the beginning

Hi. A few years ago, a certain belief almost destroyed me. It was the belief that I, or anyone else for that matter, had to be perfect to deserve my love and support. It definitely wasn't always present, but in my subconscious that belief was always there. I would sometimes make myself miserable holding myself and others up to an impossible standard. I wasn't good enough at my job, my relationships and my interactions with people. I was using the same lens I used to pick myself apart to sometimes pick apart other people too. My friends and family, when they came up short, I would ruminate on a list of reasons why they had wronged me or why they needed to change. It was miserable. I'm not saying I don't do it anymore. But I'm saying that I see it now. I can tell when I'm doing it, and most of the time before I've gone too far down that road.

A few years ago, this whole line of thinking, combined with undiagnosed PTSD as well as anxiety made me feel like I was going crazy.  Literally, that pit in your stomach, can't-stop-the-angry-badger-in-my-brain type of crazy.   I tried all the methods of making things right that I was taught.  I listened to countless hours of talks by the people I believed to be the most worthy of giving me advice.  I prayed constantly, sang religious hymns, all the things.   Now, I know that for many people in many instances these things can bring a great deal of peace, but for me it wasn't enough.

Then I decided to see a therapist.  I found out I wasn't crazy, or unworthy or evil, I just had anxiety and always have had it, and that I also had PTSD.  It was unbelievably comforting to know that my type of crazy had a name, and that I could learn tools to manage it and (finally) heal.   I began in that time period to learn that what made me whole, worthy, and me was my imperfections, not how well I hid them from people.

This was the beginning of the end, my friends.  Or rather, just the beginning.  This discovery would take me to places I never thought it would.  Tune in next Wednesday for another chapter and how I found myself praying naked about someone I'd never met, and how my perspective on my own life's philosophy started to change.  

and here's a funny video on perspective.


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