This is my fight song (part one)
I remember in middle school feeling really, really angry for a little while. I felt this power boiling inside of me and there was quite literally nothing I could do about it and no way to give it expression. I felt like I had this lioness inside me that just wanted out. I was tired of being quiet, I was tired of being sweet; tired of having to fit into some mold that I was never able to fit into. I would like to finish this little story with a quick and tidy line about how I stood up for my individuality and lived happily, radically ever after.
Not so, grasshopper. My desire to conform won this round. I chained the beast, I took up running to tire her out, and tried my best to find my way without making too many waves. I finished highschool, went to college a the conservative Brigham Young University (I loved my time there, by the way, it is a great school), went on a mission and went to graduate school, got married and had kids. The beast rattled the cage occasionally but it wasn't until about 5 years ago that I really started to notice how much I missed her...
Luckily, blessedly, things change. People change. I have been given another chance to bring out that beautiful beast. I can't believe after 20 years of stuffing her in the closet that she is still so vibrant. But I am writing this post to tell you, and her/me that I am done with trying to fit into a role that I never chose in the first place. I am not always going to agree with you anymore. I am going to push back. I am going to challenge the consensus (as well as my own hidden prejudices as well). Of course, I am not out to start a fight, but I am letting my girl out of the cage. Honestly, I quite like having her around.
Not so, grasshopper. My desire to conform won this round. I chained the beast, I took up running to tire her out, and tried my best to find my way without making too many waves. I finished highschool, went to college a the conservative Brigham Young University (I loved my time there, by the way, it is a great school), went on a mission and went to graduate school, got married and had kids. The beast rattled the cage occasionally but it wasn't until about 5 years ago that I really started to notice how much I missed her...
Luckily, blessedly, things change. People change. I have been given another chance to bring out that beautiful beast. I can't believe after 20 years of stuffing her in the closet that she is still so vibrant. But I am writing this post to tell you, and her/me that I am done with trying to fit into a role that I never chose in the first place. I am not always going to agree with you anymore. I am going to push back. I am going to challenge the consensus (as well as my own hidden prejudices as well). Of course, I am not out to start a fight, but I am letting my girl out of the cage. Honestly, I quite like having her around.
Comments
There's so much to your experience that I think many of us resonate with (I know do). Keep writing, Am. You have a gift and a powerful and important voice.